From the Fog back to Blogsville.

"So was it scary?"

"Did you fear for your life?"

"Did you really meet the Taliban?"

 

I try to muster an answer, but for some reason, I get sick inside whenever I am asked. Might as well ask me what it's like on the moon - what the hell do you think it's like? I haven't written for over three months, my last article was en route from Lahore, and about leaving. I was searching for closure, but didn't find any.

 

How can I answer the question? Ever since I got back from Kabul, I've felt removed from the experience. Providing an answer over dinner conversations and lunches seems so frivolous, it's better to avoid it all together. It's not being arrogant, and not for feeling any distance from friends or family, or strangers for that matter - it's simply an experience that is deeply moving, profound and shakes the very foundations of your belief and moral systems.

 

What purpose does it serve to go there, and come back with new eyes, if you can't do anything about it. Maybe that's been the dilemma, I haven't been able to do anything about it until now. I mean besides the radio interview I did at KERA, and the panel discussion at the screening of the "The Kite Runner" last month. Ramadan this year was a blur, everything since I got back has been a blur, I've been wading and navigating through depression and anxiety, and people asking what it was about hasn't helped.

 

Last weekend, a friend from there, Maria Witz, flew in to Dallas and stayed at our house, from Washington. She was only around for a day, but it felt good to touch someone from the near past. Some cathartic sinergies for recovery. We talked about plans for her street kids, making a documentary, a year long project. Shoot the kids, and follow their lives. Capture it all, and maybe, some people could help.

 

As I write this, returning from Sayre, Pennsylvania to Dallas, I think of the words of a friend. I've heard them before, but they are still a good reminder, "You are only responsible for the effort - the results are not in your hands." There is some consolation.